Castleton/Grafton
United Church Affirming Info |
Why would a small rural congregation bother with becoming
affirming, Apr 18/2015 Thanks
so much for inviting our little church to present to you our Affirm
experience. It’s an honour to be here.
Over the last number of years many United Church congregations have toyed
with the idea of becoming Affirming. Most congregations want to give the
message that they are inclusive and welcoming. Most congregations think they
are already welcoming. Our small Grafton and Castleton congregations near Cobourg, had
thought of it over the last number of years; Castleton even 6-7 years ago had
Conference staff person Jackie Harper to do a workshop on it for them. But
they had always shied away from it, fearing that it might cause friction, –
even with their long history of justice and community involvement. 20 minutes
apart, Grafton with 40 attending and Castleton with 20 have been served by a
retired part-time minister.
The spark that reinvigorated new energy for becoming Affirming, came from the
2012 Bay of Quinte Conference annual meeting, and their decision to become an
Affirming conference. Returning from that conference annual meeting, the next
Sunday I reported to both congregations that the conference had decided to
become affirming, and basically asked our congregations “Why aren’t you
affirming? Because though of course it's still not easy for everyone,
isn’t there is a sense it is almost motherhood anymore? -and certainly not
the controversial issue it was a dozen years ago. And it was helpful to be
able to point to some neighbours who had already modeled the journey or were
in process.
And yes, we are an extremely welcoming church to most people, but we had
never really gone out and actually declared that LGBT and other marginalized
people are welcome. So I asked: Are they welcome in this congregation? The
congregations were teased to wonder about it.
That could have been the end of the matter.
But people did wonder about it. Sure those old
concerns remained. But - there was interest and there was energy and there
were conversations. Now - It is true that it started with two or three people
who had some passion for it, and without them it might not have happened. But
from the Sunday spark from the minister, people started to talk and inquire
about why it was important, what difference does it make, and what the heck
is the process to become an affirming congregation anyway? Our work plans show that it was a two-year process- and it
likely needs to be. Right away it was important to realize that - It's a
direction that is still seen as radical by some, still taboo in a few places
and in some minds, and to be mindful that a few people may still have a level
of discomfort with the whole topic. Just because a few people are
comfortable, passionate and ready to go, doesn't mean that the whole world is
on your bus – yet. So it takes time, persistence – and energy.
We had a committee of 4, along with Rev. Lander. That fall our committee
attended an Affirm conference workshop like this one. We listened as other
Churches outlined their experiences and shared their wisdom and “lessons
learned”. We played the “Stars” game and heard heart-rending stories from
people who had been rejected and shunned by their Churches for their sexual
orientation. We collected the resources available. We came away full of
enthusiasm, with a beginning understanding of the process and how we might
apply all this to our particular situation. It was a great start. We, as a
committee, did spend some personal time reviewing pertinent materials to be
sure we were all on the same page and would be able to answer questions if
they arose, or at least know where to find the information. And Rev. Lander
included references and discussion points in his Sunday sermons and prayers,
giving spiritual guidance and keeping the issues in the forefront.
Following this, the committee developed a work plan with target time-lines to
guide our work. Applying good marketing principles we realized that
congregational awareness was the first step to getting people thinking and
talking. We chose a distinctive logo for the process – a rainbow fish. We
set up a resource table in the church where we all meet for coffee after the
service - with displays and messages that changed regularly. We just
created the messages, printed them out on the computer and tacked them up.
Not terribly sophisticated, but relatively easy to do. A suggestion /comment
box was available with a promise that all questions would be
addressed. Committee members also made themselves available to answer
any questions or concerns. After spending
some time (months) creating the awareness, our next step was to get people
together to delve into the issues more fully and give people an opportunity
to talk through their thoughts and feelings, reflect on how it feels to be
different, to be “outside” and feel unwelcome in certain situations. After
all - We have all experienced that at some time in our lives. So - In the spring, the committee led a well-attended
workshop where we used videos of other church’s experiences; played a
powerful simulation game "Coming Out Stars" (google Coming out Stars activity) to experience how isolated people can feel in a
church that can often seem exclusive. At the beginning of this meeting
- We acknowledged that it is a sensitive topic, that people may have strong
feelings and that, as a group, we needed to make sure the meeting felt safe
and respectful for everyone & that seemed to set the tone. We devoted a significant amount of time for discussion,
questions, and answers. In this inclusive atmosphere all were able
to have their issues or concerns dealt with. Anonymous written
feedback/evaluations of the workshop were completely positive, with many
expressing how much they had learned and urging us to go forward.
Next step on the plan was the marriage policy - Early the next
fall the Council voted for all weddings at our Church to be
acceptable- regardless of sexual orientation. (Perhaps it has helped
that in our minister’s previous Toronto church, the marriage policy was
approved 10 years ago so he had the wording pretty well down pat - in
that church there was only one same gender wedding in the several years
following, which was incidentally the Premier.) And we added words to our mission statement to welcome and
respect everyone’s individuality and dignity regardless of age, gender, race,
sexual orientation, gender identity, differing abilities, ethnic background
or economic circumstances. There was no contention. All this was reflected on
our Charge website. Shortly after this Rev. Philip Cable, a well-loved candidate
from the congregation whose orientation would not have been known in those
earlier years, movingly preached our anniversary service, supporting our
journey. And then - The next significant action was to put a vote to our
annual meetings in the spring in each of the two congregations. The Committee
members were armed and prepared – and, yes, nervous - for what I'm not sure,
because in each place there was limited discussion and each
congregation passed the vote to become Affirming, and each was unanimous. So
- we put a rainbow candle on the communion table and a big rainbow flag at
the back, which no doubt elicited some coffee hour conversations. We added
appropriate welcome signs to the doors and placed rainbow decals on our
Church sign and the highway directions signs. One of the
committee members established a liaison with the local PFLAG (Parents and
Friends of Lesbians and Gays) group and attends their meetings regularly to
dialogue, support and act as a representative of the Charge. Our joint celebration service in June, 2014 had Rev. Philip
Cable again preaching. Youth members of the PFLAG group also spoke of their
experiences locally and thanked the Charge for their support. Everyone
was invited to wear a small prepared rainbow ribbon and during the service
everyone came forward and attached their ribbon on two rainbow cross banners
which still hang in each church. The Communion table covering was a striking
rainbow cloth. A celebration lunch followed with a rainbow cake. We put our
mission statement on our website home page http://www.castletongraftonuc.com
as well as a rainbow flag, and not just a still one
but an active one fluttering in the breeze, visually expressing that it is a
continuing process. We are at the moment putting up a new sign in front of
the Grafton church which will have the United Church logo and the Affirm
logo. Castleton is celebrating 150 years this year and an artist in the
congregation has made a special banner with rainbow waves at the bottom to
celebrate this focus. This
may all sound very simple, maybe even miraculous, and it was not as
challenging as it has been for some congregations. So we could wonder why it
was not as horrendous as some fear, and why it could even be unanimous. We
did not expect it to be unanimous, though we would not have proceeded if we
did not think we could come close, and we would likely not encourage others
to either. Possibly a factor might be that the charge had gone down to part-time
ministry so their financial situation was not the only thing they thought of,
and it is not as likely to fly if survival and finances are the main
concerns rather than mission. At least for us, there were no LGBT people on our committee, so any
issue or optic of personal agenda was small; indeed the one person who had
been a sex educator tried to stay in the background. The
tone of the congregation or charge has a lot to do with how well this
process will succeed. Maybe it's just happenstance that we're the first
multipoint charge in Ontario to become Affirming, but it is important to have
good relationships within the charge before entering such a process. This
charge has had its ups and downs over the years like most, but they are
presently a very much a together charge, the two points even at some distance
get along very well, with congregational members appreciating each other. And
it’s not that we all agree on almost anything, because we don’t, but we have
decided to care about each other, and we know that for a fragile congregation
to survive, we have to be tolerant and indeed affirming of each other’s idiosyncrasies.
It likely doesn't make a lot of sense to take a position of being an
Affirming congregation to the world so to speak, if we are not affirming
within our congregations to one another. For to become affirming is not just
to be welcoming to LGBT folks, but to be welcoming and inclusive to all,
period. It’s also pretty hard to become affirming in practice, if one is not
also affirming in theology. Affirm
is not likely to fly if God is seen as a law and order punishing God, but
probably will if God is seen as a compassionate God of grace. And if the
rhetoric in the congregation is that God required Jesus to die in our place,
then God is a law and punishment God, for that would mean that if Jesus
didn’t go to the cross, we would have had to, which for most people is just
unthinkable. The Affirm process will not be easy if the theological focus is sin.
Indeed if you ask any congregation as we did, to think of two or three words
to describe your children or friends,… how many came up with the word
sinner? So if we do not think of our children in the language of sin,
why is it that we think that's the first thing that comes into God's mind in
reference to us, God’s children? Our theology has to be in some sense progressive. None of the biblical
laws, the 10 commandments included are ultimate, for Jesus said all need to
be interpreted by love, by his summary of all the laws with the golden rule. When
Jesus quoted the Scriptures, he never did so in chapter and verse; nor do
rabbis or Jews today. Our Sunday by Sunday prayers reach out to the hurting, the sidelined,
so that all people know they matter. We tried in our focus to be gentle, to listen, so that as much as
possible everyone could know they mattered and belonged to God’s envelope of
care. There
were fears and nervousness. We of course
wondered if we might lose people because of the process. One or two wondered
if we were putting principle over the bottom line and would not only lose
members but their contributions. But we think actually the opposite has happened. As far as we
are aware, no one has left. And the word is out in our community that we are
open and welcoming. It's not just that we happen to think we are a welcoming
congregation, but we have declared that to the community. Have we had an influx of LGBT people who have started attending?
Not that we know. There have been no same gender weddings in the last year
because of it. But what we have noted is that we have had some new people
coming, because the rainbow decal on our doors speaks to the fact that we
welcome diversity. So we have welcomed people who have been made to
feel uncomfortable in their previous Churches or who were hesitant to
approach a Church before, due to (for example) their non-traditional marital
status, their race , their regularity of Church attendance, mixed
faith. We continue the liaison with PFLAG, demonstrating the Charge’s
support and commitment to the principles. So there are unexpected spin-offs
to this affirming business – when you declare to the whole community that you
are ready to welcome the world. For us - Becoming affirming is not a graduation, but an ongoing
process. We know that we need to continue to talk, to learn, to understand
and to remind ourselves of what we have committed to by becoming an affirming
Charge.
It is likely, at least in part, that because the congregation
responded to the tease of becoming Affirming, that they also responded to the
tease of – “Would they be interested in welcoming a Syrian refugee family?” This suggestion was made to them about a month before our Affirm
celebration service, so how to complicate things, but in the week or so
following the service we had our first meeting to inquire about sponsorship.
Three months later our Syrian Muslim family of 5 arrived. We have since
raised almost $30,000, and contributed major volunteering walking beside them
on the journey. Affirming means justice. I’ve wondered too, if our Affirm focus has had an influence on our
approach to baptism. We’ve had a few baptismal requests from families with
nothing to do with the congregation, living at a distance, and no intention
to become involved in any church. Our board response, knowing how hurtful and
alienating being turned down can be, is to say that it is a sacrament of
God’s, so what right do we have to refuse it? Becoming Affirming is a powerful and faithful thing for any
congregation to do. But it is important to be affirming within, before we can
be affirming without. If there is rancor within, there must be some loving
ways of dealing with that first. Becoming affirming may not solve other
problems any more than having a baby will save a marriage. On the other hand,
we ought not let a couple of a strong voices dictate a very truncated meaning
of gospel, to prevent justice. And maybe talk of Affirming, which us clearly gospel, is a way to
change the channel and the tone, to a bigger picture faith, regardless of how
long it takes. Becoming affirming is gospel. Such a process is not to be
rushed, but we are called to love the world, and therein is the joy of being
children of God. Affirm really means: “Love your
neighbour”. Go for it. David Lander & Catherine White |
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